Daisy Carter’s Totally Unfiltered Guide to Surviving Year 9

(Because if you’re gonna be traumatised, you might as well be iconic while it happens.)

💥 Disclaimer: Daisy is not legally or emotionally qualified to give advice. Proceed with caution. Or don’t. I’m not your mum. 💅

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🧷 1. Choose Violence (Fashionably)

• Eyeliner so thick you could smudge it into a GCSE-level scream.
• Tie half-arsedly knotted. Top button nowhere in sight.
• Optional arm warmers from Claire’s if you’re emo-coded.
• Bonus points if your PE kit smells like regret.

🎭 2. Drama Class = Survival Tactics

• Use every roleplay to process your trauma. Loudly.
• Scream-cry during your monologue.
• Threaten to leave the group if anyone calls you “bossy” again.
• Pretend to be a tree if you can’t handle human interaction.

“Daisy, you can’t just say ‘my character’s dead’ every time you don’t want to participate.”
Watch me, Miss.

💬 3. MSN is your battlefield

• Passive-aggressive display names are your only real form of expression.
• Block/unblock is emotional warfare.
• “Wuu2?” = code for “Tell me your whole life story or I’ll cry.”
• Your crush is online. Panic.

💖 4. Crushes Will Destroy You and That’s Fine

• Do you know his timetable? Yes.
• Have you cried in the toilet after seeing him hold hands with someone else? Also yes.
• Have you written his name in your planner and then scribbled it out dramatically? Obviously.
• Will he remember you exist? Irrelevant.

🎧 5. Channel Your Rage into Lyrics

• Sing Leave (Get Out) by JoJo with feeling.
• Dedicate Bebo music players to your heartbreak.
• Quote My Chemical Romance like it’s scripture.
• Cry when “About You Now” by Sugababes comes on.

🪑 6. Sit at the Weird Table

• The nice ones are boring.
• The mean girls smell of impulse body spray and judgment.
• The weird table? That’s where legends are born.
• Bring snacks. And sarcasm.

🧠 7. Mental Health? In This Economy?

• Have a breakdown. Pretend it’s performance art.
• Cry in the toilet cubicle then return to maths like a queen.
• Your teacher says “stop being dramatic.”
• You say “trauma’s not a trend, Miss.” (And then get detention.)

🏆 8. Final Advice from Daisy:

• Laugh too loud.
• Cry too easily.
• Swear creatively.
• Be a mess. Be your mess.
• Year 9 won’t last forever — but your emotional damage? That’s for life, babe 💋