Stuff That Sent Me Into Orbit in 2005

by Asten / Actually Asten / Chaos Curator

There are three certainties in life: death, taxes, and 2005 being the most unhinged year of your childhood. If you weren’t absolutely LOSING IT over something deeply unserious in 2005… were you even alive?

Here’s a lovingly chaotic list of the stuff that sent me into orbit back then — complete with cackles, cringe, and secondhand embarrassment. Let’s dive in.

💥 When Someone in Class Said “Your Mum” and the Whole Room Exploded

Didn’t matter who it was aimed at. Didn’t matter what was said. All that mattered was the eruption of “OOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!” followed by a teacher yelling, “THAT’S ENOUGH!”
Instant orbit.

🦊 Basil Brush Saying Something Slightly Inappropriate

I wasn’t just laughing — I was wheezing. Collapsing. Questioning how this was allowed on CBBC.
Boom boom? Mate, I was gone gone.

📼 Falling Over During the Cha Cha Slide at a School Disco

“Everybody clap your hands!”
Trips on the person next to me, hits the bench, spills orange squash.
Absolutely launched.

🧢 When a Boy Wore Lynx Africa and I Got a Whiff

I didn’t fancy him. I wasn’t even sure what fancying meant yet. But that smell?
Straight to space.

🎤 JLS Didn’t Exist Yet but Shayne Ward Did and That Was Enough

I didn’t know it then, but this was my stan origin story.
“That’s My Goal”? Babes, same.

🎮 Getting Punched Off Rainbow Road by Your Own Brother

Deryn. This is a callout.
We were meant to be family. Instead, you chose violence and a banana skin.

🧃 When You Got a Slush Puppy at the Bowling Alley

Red and blue mixed. Hyper as hell.
Vibrating with joy. I could taste colours.

🧟‍♀️ When a Goosebumps Book Had a TWIST ENDING

Plot twist: the main character was the monster.
Me: clutches book. STARES INTO THE VOID.

🎤 When Girls Aloud Did That Bit in ‘Biology’

“I don’t need no good advice, I’m already wasted.”
Me, aged 12: YES QUEEN.
Didn’t know what it meant. Didn’t care.

✨ Honourable Mentions

The smell of a new gel pen
MSN Messenger nudge wars
Saying “awkward!” after literally anything
Matching your Tammy Girl top to your mood
When someone in Year 6 said “boobs” and we all laughed for five years

💻 When the Family Computer Made a Dial-Up Noise That Sounded Like It Was Summoning Demons

I just wanted to play Neopets or update my Piczo site.
Instead: ERRRRRHHHHH SKRRRRT REEEEE
Mum yelling “Get off the internet, I’m expecting a call!”
Me: emotionally spiralling.

🧃 The Capri-Sun Straw Struggle Was REAL

Poking it through the foil top like your life depended on it.
Stab too hard? Juice explosion.
Not hard enough? Crumpled failure.
It was the ultimate test of strength and character.

🧙‍♂️ When Someone Had a Harry Potter Wand from Woolworths

They thought they were just waving it around.
But no. We were in Dumbledore’s Army now.
Instant duels on the playground. Real consequences.

📱 Getting Your First Ringtone and Playing It in Public

It was never subtle. It was never classy.
It was Crazy Frog or JLS (if you were ahead of your time).
You played it out loud on the bus. Like a warrior.

👖 When Your Jeans Had Writing on the Bum

Low-rise. Embellished. Occasionally bedazzled.
Did I understand what “Flirt” meant? No.
Did I feel iconic wearing it to a friend’s BBQ? Absolutely.

📺 Every Episode of Tracy Beaker Being an Emotional Rollercoaster

Laughed. Cried. Felt personally attacked by Justine Littlewood.
That theme tune? Instant orbit.
“It’s my life and I’ll do what I want!”
Us: YES YOU WILL TRACY. YES YOU WILL.

🐸 When You First Saw the Budweiser Frogs Ad

This? Haunting.
This? Nightmare fuel.
This? Sent me STRAIGHT into orbit and then straight under the duvet.
(Full trauma incoming in a future Fear Files post.)

🧃 Fruit Shoot = Power-Up Potion

Drank one at lunch. Suddenly felt invincible.
Also used it as a fake microphone while singing along to Sugababes.
No regrets.

🎀 When You Got a Hair Wrap on Holiday and Thought You Were Untouchable

I strutted through the airport like I was in Destiny’s Child.
Even though the wrap was already fraying and cost £6.
Elite behaviour.

📚 When a Book Fair Came to School and You Were Suddenly Jeff Bezos

Smelly pencils. Posters. That one Horrible Histories book you already owned.
Mum gave you £5 and you acted like you ran the place.

🌪 Daisy’s Corner: Ahem.

“2005 me was a menace. I once tried to sell ‘air guitars’ to Year 4 for 50p each. Still not over the fact I got suspended for entrepreneurship. Also: I had a crush on Peter from Blue Peter. Do not judge me.”

What sent you into orbit in 2005?

Leave a comment or tag #ADNOrbit2005 on your socials and share your unhinged throwbacks with the world. Bonus points if you still have your Tammy Girl hoodie.